Read with Caution

It has been 3,169 days since we found out Austin had died. That's almost 9 years for those who'd rather not do the math.

That's a lot of days. It's been a good couple of years since I've needed to break out the tissues to catch the sobs of tears flowing from my eyes over this greif.

Today I'll start counting over.

http://monicathemighty.blogspot.com/2009/10/on-surviving-death-of-child.html

I regularly follow this blog from a fellow Hope Kids family.

I try not to allow myself to go back to my memories of Austin in such a way as to produce tears. I try to always focus on the good things I learned, the ways I was changed for the better for having lived through his death.

For a couple days I saw the titles on this blog, and made a choice not to read them. Today I gave in. Sometimes it gets hard to lie about what it really is like to lose a child. Sometimes I get tired of pretending it's all okay. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing him a disservice by not playing a more active role in remebering him.

It's like I've deserted my child. Left him behind in order to move on. In order to lose some of the pain that his memory brings.

The kids don't forget. Logan and Gavin regularly bring him into everday conversation. Even Gavin, who was born a year after Austin died, wondered where Austin would sit in the car, if he were still alive. His concern was that there was not a place for him. This happened just last week.

But his place is in our hearts. Which is strange because I think I will forever have an empty spot there. A hole that was left the day I walked out of the hospital and left my dead baby behind. I gained another hole the day I burried him and had to walk away- again.

Somedays it's really hard to pretned those holes aren't there.

Today is one of those days.

The pain and hurt experienced is undeniable. It is life changing. It creates two separate lives, the before, and the after.