Feeling Better

I got my first clue yesterday that I was on the road to recovery when I found myself in the kitchen baking french toast sticks.

I still feel dead on my feet from this pain medication. It keeps me like a zombie with the added benefit of an itchy face, NO appetite, and hot flashes.

My CT scan went well and I brought home a hard copy of the pictures on a disc. I tried to look at them... can't really tell what anything is though.

Today I'm feeling even a bit better than yesterday, and think I'll start on a project to keep me awake this afternoon and evening. If I don't stay busy the meds will knock me right out.

So that's my update, I hope I get my birthday wish this year and feel well on my birthday. Dustin even has the day off...*crosses fingers*....

Frustrating Medical Care

I've been sick since.... forever it seems. I tried to get into the doctor last thursday but was told they were booked for the week. I tried to change my doctor the same day but was told I had to go into the tricare office to do that.

Monday I pressed my luck and got an appointment with my civilian doctor. She was also concerned with the pain in the back of my head. She sent me for x rays, and gave me a prescription for cipro and a new pain medicine to try.

I stopped by the pharmacy on post to fill the prescriptions, but they were closed for the holiday. Tuesday Dustin had my car, and the carseat for Jacey in it. So today fever and all I drug myself into the pharmacy in my jammies.

They were able to fill the new pain med, with a two hour wait time. They couldn't fill the antibiotic though. They have it, in stock, right there behind the counter- but wouldn't give it to me. Despite the fact that I have a prescription from a DOCTOR saying I need it. For some reason tricare only allows them to dispense it for one certain illness (she was carefull not to let me know wich illness that is). She also proceeded to tell me that what I have isn't at all worthy of such a strong medication and really I'm not that sick.

Who the heck is she to tell me how sick I am? She said:

"Tricare reserves this antibiotic to treat paitients with infections that are resistant to other antibiotics"

I eagerly raised my hand "OOOHHH OOOHHHH....THAt's ME!" I said.

She didn't go for it.

I get to go back at 4 to pick up my pain meds. Then go drive around in the rain with three kids and try to find a civilian pharmacy only to wait for another few hours there.

Yay me.

Also today- I got a call from the nurse at my doctors office. The MRI authorization they are waiting on still hadn't come through but the one for me to see the ENT had. She gave me a number and told me to call and schedual my appointment.

I called. I called back. I called back again. Fianlly got a person. She said she didn't have my authorization so she couldn't schedual anything.

I called the nurse back. She assured me she sent it there before even calling me.

I called the ENT again. Got put on hold, got a very kind *sigh* from the lady on the other end.

Got disconnected. Called back again. Got put back on hold. Ten minutes later low and behold it turns up.

I go in next Monday.

Wish me luck.

Christmas Gifts

When it comes to my children I usually have a pretty concrete game plan as to what each of them NEEDS to want for Christmas.

I usually have it well planned out in advance to allow myself time to convince them that these things really are what they want so when Santa brings, oh say a bunk bed, or new sheets, I can remind them of the time they had listed these items as wants.

Every year there are "staples" that they get regardless- new shoes, new jammies, and usually a new outfit. I try to stick with the thought process that if it's wrapped- it's a gift- and we don't complain about gifts be they asked for or not.

Inspiration struck a while ago for Gavin's Christmas but I'm not sure that 1)it's in the budget; and 2)he wants it at all; and 3)that if Logan decides he wants one too, it'll fit in his room.

This mystery gift is.....*drum roll*........

A CHAIR!

Not just any chair though. It is slip covered and washable and folds out into a twin bed.

I have a few reasons for this "gift" idea. His room is way to big and there for way too empty. This kid needs some furniture to help his room come together. He also is the one with all the toys in his room so that's usually where the kids congregate, extra seating would be lovely. My biggest reason to justify a chair as a gift is that when we have company, we have them stay in Logan's room. It would be really great to have an extra bed in Gavin's room. I don't think you can ever go wrong with extra beds in your house.

Now comes the hardest part:

Convincing a 7 year old that he really wants a chair of his very own in his room, for Christmas.

I bet I could sell Logan on it, but it won't fit in his room, and then would defeat the purpose of him having a place to sleep when he gets kicked out of his room.

HairSpray

Not the movie.....

This....





Logan brought it to me and said his sister wanted to "fix hair".

Curious.... I was in hot persuit of our families newest beauty school enrollee.

This is what I finally found:



she can run... and she did.....



But she can't hide!




Not from me anyway!

A Quick Update

Another Sunday, more cooking.

Today it was mini vanilla pudding cups with chopped bananas and nilla wafer topping. Veggie sticks and dip (in little mini cups). Home meade lunchables(read- BIG money saver), and beef stroganoff for dinner.

Logan is sick, has been for a few days. We're keeping an eye on him and hope the cold passes without causing any secondary infections. **crosses fingers** We've upped his breathing treatments to 4x a day. I'm so thankfull for the forethought put into his room and the ease it provides while doing treatments. Sometimes it pays to have a mom who obsesses over interior design.

Gavin is well, and is surviving school so far. I am going to schedual a second opinion for him with the pediatrician to see about meds. He needs them terribly.

Jacey is Jacey. Today she was unbelievably loud! Like break out your earplugs loud. She drove the boys crazy all day. I'd lie if I said she wasn't on my last nerve today too- especially after the huge play dough mess she had spread from the dining room into the family room.

Dustin had staff duty today. I haven't seen him much but he's healthy and well. That's always a plus. I plan on surprising him in the morning with some warm home made apple struesle muffins. Yum!

I.... will pretend I'm not sick tonight, and will fill you in on that more tomorrow after I visit a new doctor. I have a list to take with me. It's OVER two pages long. I know you aren't surprised.

Between cooking today, I read up and educated myself on monthly cooking. You basically plan well, do HUGE shopping, and spend one whole day making quadruple batches of meals, and freeze them for later use. I'm going to try it. Maybe not the 4x way, I think I'll start with doubling a few familiar recipes, and only doing a few breakfast and lunch items. Atleast until I get the hang of it.

Once I explained the benefits to Dustin he was sold. All I had to do was bring up how nice it would be to not have to worry about him cooking on nights I don't feel well- just pop something in the oven. Cause that never happens around here right?

Read with Caution

It has been 3,169 days since we found out Austin had died. That's almost 9 years for those who'd rather not do the math.

That's a lot of days. It's been a good couple of years since I've needed to break out the tissues to catch the sobs of tears flowing from my eyes over this greif.

Today I'll start counting over.

http://monicathemighty.blogspot.com/2009/10/on-surviving-death-of-child.html

I regularly follow this blog from a fellow Hope Kids family.

I try not to allow myself to go back to my memories of Austin in such a way as to produce tears. I try to always focus on the good things I learned, the ways I was changed for the better for having lived through his death.

For a couple days I saw the titles on this blog, and made a choice not to read them. Today I gave in. Sometimes it gets hard to lie about what it really is like to lose a child. Sometimes I get tired of pretending it's all okay. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing him a disservice by not playing a more active role in remebering him.

It's like I've deserted my child. Left him behind in order to move on. In order to lose some of the pain that his memory brings.

The kids don't forget. Logan and Gavin regularly bring him into everday conversation. Even Gavin, who was born a year after Austin died, wondered where Austin would sit in the car, if he were still alive. His concern was that there was not a place for him. This happened just last week.

But his place is in our hearts. Which is strange because I think I will forever have an empty spot there. A hole that was left the day I walked out of the hospital and left my dead baby behind. I gained another hole the day I burried him and had to walk away- again.

Somedays it's really hard to pretned those holes aren't there.

Today is one of those days.

The pain and hurt experienced is undeniable. It is life changing. It creates two separate lives, the before, and the after.