Waiting Grace

I am not, nor have I ever been a ver patient person. Lately I have a real love hate realationship with the weekends. I wait, starting on friday afternoon.... and I wait. Sometimes the phone rings, but more often than not it doesn't. So I go on about my day waiting. If I accomplish nothing all day, it's not because I wasn't do any thing. I was waiting.
All is made well though as soon as I hear his words, "Hi Baby!". He is always upbeat and excited to call. He actually makes it sound like he's having fun. I try my best to sound the same :). I take my phone and head to my room, where I close the door and sprawl out on our bed. It's my favorite place to talk to him. It's quiet and usually still dark. We would usually take afternoon naps on the weekends, so this is the next best thing.
He goes over his week, and I go over ours, trying not to leave out anything important. We giggle like teenagers and just enjoy our time together.

Jacey came running into the kitchen yesterday at full speed. She somehow got tripped up on a towel that had migrated out of the laundry room and onto the floor. She fell, smacking her little head on the doorknob. She laughs first, then turns to me and says, "It's cause I'm graceful huh Mom?" I must tell her that too often.

Tuesday brought some awful news as I found out Dustin's was ordered to Ft Irwin Ca. I started researching this post to find out it was in the middle of nowhere! I made a few calls and found out that none of Lo's paperwork had been processed, so there was no way for them to reject Dustin. Ugh! Turns out the papers were lost...somewhere along the line. I was told to refax them. Luckily I was taught well and told to ALWAYS maintain a hard copy of any paper work the army asks for, as things do tend to get lost. We were now racing the clock, graduation is only about a month away, and he needs to have an assignment.

I also spent countless hours on the telephone with many different army posts trying to locate one with facilities that could care for Lo. A super nice lady said that our chances of getting to actually "pick" where we wanted to go was very high since if we knew where he could be treated, they will start trying to place there first.

Come to fine out, there are two army posts with CF centers in the army hospital. One is Fort Lewis, Wa.....the other Schofeild Barracks, Hawaii. I would love to visit Hawaii, but don't really have any desire to live there. So Washington is our first choice. Now we wait and see.

I must go now, my house needs major attention, and I should probably figure out something for lunch for my kiddos. Ugh... and laundry, and clean out my car...and ...and...and! Oh yeah, and WAIT!

Recovery

I waited a few days to post some more about my visit on purpose, I needed time to recover emotionally. Still, I am not having great days, but they are getting better. I had learned to sleep alone, be alone, and take care of my needs all by myself. To open back up to the emotion of having another person there, was easy, but came with a heavy price tag. To become vulnerable to hurt and loss that I knew was right around the corner was hard to accept. I wouldn't trade our day together... I needed that break. That reconnection with just him, to remind myself that an end is in sight. The children didn't come purely because I needed a break from them. I'm not sure I understand how single parents do it. Saying goodbye the second time was harder than the first by far. Maybe because I'm tired, and I know what I'm going home to, and the loneliness that comes with it. Maybe because I'm not feeling well... and need to feel like someone will take care of me. I cried when I watched him walk away. I cried the whole way to the airport, and actually missed my turn off due to my teary eyes.
My first day at home was hard, I was exhasted, the kids fought, and my head hurt so very bad. The combo of those doesn't make for the happiest Mommy, and I find myself short on patience. I take it to heart that I don't feel like I can be the best Mom my children deserve right now. I have a lot of guilt for not cooking more, cleaning more, and being crabby. Truth is though, I'm not asking anymore of my children than I would if their Dad was home. Chores still need to be done, rules still apply, and they are held accountable for their actions. I don't understand where the guilt comes from, but it's there.
Thing have been complicated too by the notification of Dustins assignment to Fort Irwin, Ca. We have filled out much paperwork to have Logan enrolled in the militaries Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP). This program ensures that families that require special medical care or services will be placed near enough to proper facilities as to not cause the family hardship in aquiring these services. Fort Irwin is not capable of providing services for children with Cystic Fibrosis. Logans paperwork was lost, somewhere along the line and never fully processed. So, I've been frantically making phone calls trying to correct the problem and get his assignment changed. It's been a stressful few days for me. I have done all I can do from this end and the rest will be up to Dustin. If he doesn't get things done in time, he could end up having to leave us behind while he is assigned at Fort Irwin, not something I'm excited about. The saddest part is he still knows nothing about this....I'm waiting for his phone call to get things in motion.
I hope and pray for a quick resolution to this problem, for strenght when I am weak, for patience with my children, and for comfort when I am lonely. EVERY DAY

A Great Visit!

I had a great time visiting Dustin, even if it turned out to be only for one night! I also really enjoyed having a break from life.

Here is Dustin with a few of his buddies.

Saying goodbye was harder this time around. Right after this picture the tears started and didn't dry up until I got to the airport.

I got to wear his dog tags the whole time! :) I get my own set of his very soon. Only 5 more weeks until he graduates.