Recovery

I waited a few days to post some more about my visit on purpose, I needed time to recover emotionally. Still, I am not having great days, but they are getting better. I had learned to sleep alone, be alone, and take care of my needs all by myself. To open back up to the emotion of having another person there, was easy, but came with a heavy price tag. To become vulnerable to hurt and loss that I knew was right around the corner was hard to accept. I wouldn't trade our day together... I needed that break. That reconnection with just him, to remind myself that an end is in sight. The children didn't come purely because I needed a break from them. I'm not sure I understand how single parents do it. Saying goodbye the second time was harder than the first by far. Maybe because I'm tired, and I know what I'm going home to, and the loneliness that comes with it. Maybe because I'm not feeling well... and need to feel like someone will take care of me. I cried when I watched him walk away. I cried the whole way to the airport, and actually missed my turn off due to my teary eyes.
My first day at home was hard, I was exhasted, the kids fought, and my head hurt so very bad. The combo of those doesn't make for the happiest Mommy, and I find myself short on patience. I take it to heart that I don't feel like I can be the best Mom my children deserve right now. I have a lot of guilt for not cooking more, cleaning more, and being crabby. Truth is though, I'm not asking anymore of my children than I would if their Dad was home. Chores still need to be done, rules still apply, and they are held accountable for their actions. I don't understand where the guilt comes from, but it's there.
Thing have been complicated too by the notification of Dustins assignment to Fort Irwin, Ca. We have filled out much paperwork to have Logan enrolled in the militaries Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP). This program ensures that families that require special medical care or services will be placed near enough to proper facilities as to not cause the family hardship in aquiring these services. Fort Irwin is not capable of providing services for children with Cystic Fibrosis. Logans paperwork was lost, somewhere along the line and never fully processed. So, I've been frantically making phone calls trying to correct the problem and get his assignment changed. It's been a stressful few days for me. I have done all I can do from this end and the rest will be up to Dustin. If he doesn't get things done in time, he could end up having to leave us behind while he is assigned at Fort Irwin, not something I'm excited about. The saddest part is he still knows nothing about this....I'm waiting for his phone call to get things in motion.
I hope and pray for a quick resolution to this problem, for strenght when I am weak, for patience with my children, and for comfort when I am lonely. EVERY DAY