The Ugly Truth

I completely had abandoned this blog. I really didn't have any intention of coming back to it. I'm surprised I remembered my log in info. Since I did remember, and even on the first try, I decided that would be my sign that it was time to get back at it. So here's the ugly truth.

With as long as my break from blogland has been, I'm not even going to attempt a catch up. But fair warning, this is a long and lengthy and not-too-fun post... so sorry. I promise from here on they'll get better!

We are currently well into the first half of Dustin's first deployment, and it's definitely been an eye opening experience for me. I've learned a lot, about so many different things.

I wish I'd gotten to this blog a few months ago, while everything was still pretty peachy and my outlook on this year of flying solo still contained many brightly colored hopes and dreams. Since I'm about a month past that phase, it's not so pretty. So please bear with me while I learn to figure this all out. It's been a host of various issues, all piling on top of each other, and eventually wearing me down to a point where recovery seems a daunting task. I try to remind myself multiple times a day, that it's just life. There have been no major disasters. The children are thriving, happy and well.... and me, well..... I'll survive, cause that's just what I do.

The good news is I'm actively trying to help myself. I started seeing a therapist (who I lovingly refer to as 'the-rapist' on occasion). I've found a PCM (primary care manager- this is army speak-learn it) who I actually respect and have some faith in. Read: she doesn't make me feel crazy. I'm also trying to get back on meds for my ADD. My drive to prevent "crazy" is enough to assure me that I am in fact quite sane, since crazy people don't know well enough to worry about going crazy.

Now some details:

(if your just stalking and don't really care feel free to skip this part)

Life at home returned to normal at a much faster pace than I had anticipated. The kids were in the middle of their summer break when Dustin left, meaning that the lack of schedule provided plenty of wiggle room to allow for 'bad days' and 'adventure days'. It allowed us to get out and do things, like camping, vacationing, etc. And boy were we busy. So busy, I was eager to get the school year going so I could find some time to breathe.

My memories now looking back on our summer are so clouded. I remember the first days of school clearly though since it was a much anticipated year for any parent.... all of my children went to school full time. I enjoyed the freedom of hours of uninterrupted time to myself. I had grand ideas of how that time would be spent. Unfortunately our immune systems had other plans.

Now, I'm admittedly a very sickly person. I have no clue why and I make no excuses. My kids however are generally healthy, only experiencing the minor flu bug or virus once or so throughout the fall and winter. Not. This. Year. I think it's safe to say not a week has passed that someone in this house hasn't been ill. And not just sniffles... we're talking strep throat. Pneumonias. Strange fevers that last for a week. ER trips. Vomiting. More doctors appointments than I care to count. Someone is always sick! (as I type this Jaceys is laying next to me in bed with her fever breaking... she's managed to strip out of her feeties without even waking up)

A couple months of sick has lead to.....

Add to that, my ADD. It's out of control and that's putting it nicely. Without someone here to hold me accountable, nothing gets done. I'm not kidding either, and it drives me crazy. I feel completely handicapped by my brains inability to function properly. Telling me to "just do it" is like telling someone in a wheel chair to "just try harder to walk". It isn't always this bad, in fact, it's never been this bad. It leaves me feeling so defeated, before I even try. It gives me anxiety. It sets me up for failure no matter what I do to try and help myself. I makes me depressed.

So, to quote 'the rapist', "You have three fires burning".

Depression, ADD, and my Health (sinuses). All three major problems to be dealt with, each problem fueling the others, and the only way to resolve this is to treat them all at once. It means doing things I greatly dislike. Like lots of medicine and doctors appointments..... admitting my weaknesses. But I have no choice but to continue ahead hoping for the best.

As for my sinuses... I'm still awaiting an appointment with my ENT. I had one scheduled, but due to starting on the wellbutrin, and it's lovely side effects, I had to cancel. I will reschedule on Monday.... while I'm at my home away from home for some lab work.

I've learned some things. (1)I will never ever again go off my Adderall, because it's now near impossible to get someone to prescribe it again. (2)I will never ever take Wellbutrin again. After two doses I was about ready to have myself committed to a hospital. It was an ugly day in my life, who knew medications could mess with your mental health in such a negative way?? (maybe I'm just naive) (3) Not all medical professionals are lousy. I just seem to have bad luck finding the ones who aren't. (4) Having a strong support system is worth a million dollars. I know I have a handful of people I could call on for help.... but there are 2 in particular I couldn't make it without. (5) I'm stronger than I give myself credit for- and my own worst critic.

Next I will try to fill you in on the kiddos, and maybe even on Dustin.... since lately deployed life seems to be the least of my problems ;)